Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

ISU Rallies at Tiger Classic

COLUMBIA, Mo. – The Iowa State men’s golf team used a strong second round to climb into a tie for third place Monday afternoon after two rounds of the Mizzou Tiger Classic. The Cyclones shaved 25 strokes off of their first round score and ended with a two-round total of 589 (307-282).

Sophomore Ben Herrera tied his lowest round of his career, carding a 70 in the second round to lead all Cyclones with a 144 (74-70). Herrera is tied for fourth on the individual leaderboard. Senior Chris Baker was a big part of ISU’s turnaround in the second round, trimming his first-round 78 by nine strokes to end the day in a tie for 10th with a 147 (78-69).

Cedric Bertin shot his way into the top-20, firing rounds of 77 and 71. Johnny Larson wrapped up the Cyclones’ counting scores with a 151 (79-72). Nathan Leary and Adam Seitz also competed.

Indiana’s Jorge Campillo leads all individuals with a 36-hole total of 138 (72-66). The Hoosiers also lead the team race, possessing an eight-stroke lead over Arkansas.

The Mizzou Tiger Classic concludes tomorrow with the final 18 holes. Final results will be posted after play concludes.

Team Results
1. Indiana 294-282=576
2. Arkansas 291-293=584
T3. Iowa State 307-282=589
T3. Wichita State 292-297=589
5. Kansas State 298-293=591
T6. Michigan 299-293=592
T6. Michigan State 300-292=592
8. San Jose State 298-301=599
9. Washington 310-299=609
10. Missouri 305-310=615
11. Xavier 314-304=618

Iowa State Scores
T4. Ben Herrera 74-70=144
T10. Chris Baker 78-69=147
T18. Cedric Bertin 77-71=148
T31. Johnny Larson 79-72=151
T47. Nathan Leary 78-78=156
T50. Adam Seitz 82-75=157*
*competing unattached

Top Individuals
1. Jorge Campillo, Indiana 72-66=138
2. Andrew Landry, Arkansas 69-73=142
3. Randy Hutchinson, Michigan State 72-71=143

Cyclones Finish in Ninth at Mountain View

TUCSON, Ariz. - Iowa State women's golfer Pennapa Pulsawath earned her third top-five finish of the season, finishing in a tie for fourth (74-71-74 =219) at the 10th annual Mountain View Collegiate in Tucson, Ariz. As a team, the Cyclones finished ninth (304-295-304=903) in the 17-team field.

ISU posted a 4-4 record against its Big 12 counterparts this weekend. The Cyclones shot better than Kansas, Colorado, Kansas State, and Baylor.

Freshman Laurence Herman tallied her fourth top-20 finish of the season after carding rounds of 75-74-74 to tie for 15th. Kendra Hanson posted rounds of 76-74-82 to finish in a tie for 61st.

Indiana won the event with a 54-hole team total of 880.

The Cyclones will be back in action on April 6-7, traveling to Norman, Okla. to play in the Susie Maxwell Invitational.

Final Team Standings
1. Indiana 294-295-291=880
2. San Jose State 287-308-294=889
T3. Texas Tech 293-301-297=891
T3. Oklahoma 287-302-302=891
5. Missouri 290-301-301=892
T6. Nebraska 296-299-300=895
T6. Louisville 294-301-300=895
8. East Carolina 299-297-305=901
9. Iowa State 304-295-304=903
10. Michigan 305-298-304=907
11. Kansas 299-308-302=909
12. Colorado 300-304-306=910
13. Kansas State 306-299-307=912
14. Northwestern 302-303-310=915
15. Colorado State 310-305-307=922
16. Baylor 307-309-314=930
17. Boise State 310-317-312=939

Iowa State 903
T4. Pennapa Pulsawath 74-71-74=219
T15. Laurence Herman 75-74-74=223
T61. Kendra Hanson 76-74-82=232
T70. Karly Pinder 82-76-77=235
T80. Victoria Stefansen 79-80-79=238

Individual Leaders
1. Lauren Harling, Indiana 73-70-72=215
2. Erica Moston, San Jose State 68-72-76=216
3. Heather Wright, Oklahoma 69-76-73=218